6 Principles for a Stronger Relationship with Your Undead Minions
As the best supervillain in the world, I share secrets on balancing my quest for world domination with the intricacies of managing an army of zombies.
This is a humorous fantasy story, and it’s part of a monthly series of my previously published stories. This story was first published in the anthology, Not Evil, Just Misunderstood…and also evil (Nat 1 Publishing).
This satirical story playfully twists Lumer Council themes of connection, unity, communication, and authentic belonging by showing what happens when those ideas are filtered through a villain’s wildly self-serving worldview.
6 Principles for a Stronger Relationship with Your Undead Minions
by Merdhin Wylde
This paper was presented to the Council of Villainous Despots at the International Convention for the Nefarious Arts and Sciences in Washington, D.C.
Loyal minions are critical assets for any promising supervillain rising in the ranks of dominance and superiority over the plebeians of society. As such, our devoted servants must be treated with the utmost care and respect they deserve. Even if your minions do not hail from the domain of the undead, such as mine, the following advice is applicable to various categories of lackeys within a diverse range of nefarious missions. For purposes of simplicity, we shall examine how maximizing a personal connection with zombies is crucial in a quest for world domination.
Selflessly serving as a leader and caregiver of zombies is not an endeavor for the weak of heart. One may experience occasional torment from outside forces who desire to savagely harm us and our devotees. As uncomfortable as it may be to live with such adversity, one must nonetheless proceed with persistence and tenacity. This is precisely why such delicate relationships must be handled with unflappable commitment. Even if one currently finds oneself in a tenuous relationship with the living dead, they can still resurrect the intensity of their passion and solidify their undying devotion by applying these six principles of a satisfying and productive partnership with minions of the necro realm.
Principle 1: Negativity is Dead. Positivity is Undead.
It is undeniable that zombies are thin-skinned creatures. Therefore, it is our moral obligation to protect them from the scurrilous lies portrayed through biased media. My minions—my family—are not ravaging mindless monsters as some want us to believe. They are rightful citizens of the world who are loyal to the preservation of order. They are unwavering in their commitment to cleanse those who intend to inflict harm and degrade their way of life.
The cruel and careless portrayal of deranged rotting monsters by the heartless entertainment industry, who seem to have a bone to pick with zombies, have and will continue to incite uncontrollable rage. This has brought about the need, nay, the righteous responsibility of the sovereign leader to harness and transform this blind fury into corpse-positive attributes. A straightforward and expeditious strategy to nurture a zombie’s self-confidence is the utilization of positive affirmations. In my professional experience, phrases such as the following have manifested the intestinal fortitude required of my devout disciples:
● You are death incarnate.
● You are an apocalyptic force of nature.
● You are a master of the flesh-eating arts.
These affirmations remind us not only to maintain positivity but also to decrease the effects of negative messaging that bombard their already disjointed thinking.
Sometimes it may be necessary to withhold information and relay only the most positive of messages considering that zombies are not intelligent or sophisticated enough to handle the severity and harshness that reality often serves. Keep in mind that revealing the entire truth of situations will most likely lead to unstable minds going rogue in the streets. One must take care to reveal only as much as needed to motivate minions to behave and follow orders in a manner befitting of the society one wishes to create.
Principle 2: Body Language is a Dead Language.
As a member of the living community, it is prudent to acknowledge that our undead friends may not have the mental capacity to fully comprehend every spoken word. However, do not let their spirited obsession for interacting with mere mortals and their raspy pauciloquent utterances mislead you. Although their brain capacity may not drip with the poise and intelligence of the highly educated, they are capable of following orders. Be wary, however, of giving overly complex directives such as: Commence with the apocalypse and annihilate our foes. A more efficacious approach is to clearly state, with the authority and confidence of a dynamic supervillain, March! Attack! Feed!
Conversely, active listening is as essential as verbal communication. This is crucial in keeping my faithful followers in line and maintaining their allegiance. Be mindful that zombies are not eloquent speakers. Their desire to communicate their wants and needs, hindered by disjointed jaws and decaying tongues, may cause agitation among their ranks. Hence, it is imperative to have at least a basic understanding of their vernacular of grunts, grumbles, and gyrations. For example, a zombie who claws through a locked door with sepulchral groans is conferring the message: I am not pleased with the idea of being left out in the cold, isolated from the rest of my community. A zombie who shreds a carcass with gnarled hands and guttural growls is, in its own unique way, expressing its perfunctory cravings for nutritional sustenance—a basic need that should never be withheld from anyone.
Two-way communication with our loved ones, including minions who serve at our pleasure, is an essential ingredient to a healthy working relationship. Speak succinctly, listen carefully, and observe closely. In time, a bond will form, transforming an unruly pack into a streamlined unit that adversaries will find impossible to tear asunder.
Principle 3: Assumptions are the Consumption of Relationships.
Just because zombies chomp their rotting blood-stained teeth does not mean they want to bite one’s face off. In reality, they are crying out for a strong hand of leadership to deliver them from the chains of societal dictates that seek to strip away their natural rights to live as they please. It is imperative, then, to bury preconceived notions and make a grave attempt to dig deeper into their true intentions. More often than not, I have discovered that these intentions may be easily molded to align with my own agenda, as illustrated in the forthcoming principles.
On a cautionary note, zombies’ robust assemblages occasionally decay into frenzied uprisings. However, I never take it personally. Although our relationship is built on mutual trust, it is still important to maintain the fine line separating our personal sentiments from our professional affairs. In rare instances of rebellion, I do not assume their goal is to usurp my authority. On the contrary, they are half-heartedly expressing their desire for a resolute leader to guide them and divert their energies to more constructive endeavors. This is precisely the time to harness their collective power of joint grievances through meaningful interactions. The following principles address this by focusing on strategies to build effective synergy between villain and minion.
Principle 4: Gratitude Resurrects the Passion.
Show appreciation for what a zombie contributes. Acknowledge their sacrificial service in protecting the lair from torch-bearing mobs. I personally and publicly praise them for their initiative in overrunning town squares to recruit commoners into the fold of my undead family. All of this they do for me and only me, which is why they deserve my undying gratitude.
Consider lavishing recognition on servants that work themselves to the bone solely for the approval they crave. When my troopers of death perform above and beyond expectations, I compensate them with time to rejuvenate and reconnect. This includes, but is not limited to, these team-building activities: dodging produce-wielding shoppers at the supermarket, playing hide and seek with campers by the lake, and partaking in a fast-food frenzy at the food court. Measuring the pulse of their morale in conjunction with nurturing their intrinsic abilities will result in deeper connections oozing with pride.
As important as rewards may be, dole them out sparingly so as not to give a false sense of self-reliance. The trick is to keep rewards in sight but just out of reach until they froth at the mouth to do your bidding. This strategy worked exceptionally well when they plundered a neighboring palatial lair to expand my sphere of influence. As dangerous and complex the task was, my army had the guts to march into the hysteria of battle with my promise of a calming blood bath to satiate their natural urges and voracious appetites. Afterward, their gratitude for my irrefutable authority increased their undying respect for my majestic prominence.
Principle 5: Understanding Their Plight is Your Strength.
Zombies are torn between the two realms of the living and the departed. No wonder they fall apart when faced with judgment about their appearance and dietary needs. Understand that their plight is real and deserves a sympathetic approach. When a zombie is bent out of shape, show some backbone and support them with inspirational tidbits. If they fall to pieces or lose their head in a stressful situation, lend them a hand. Do everything in your power to give them a leg up.
Unfortunately, a bleeding-heart approach may not always suffice. From time to time, some of the more decayed of the herd may flex their muscle in a feeble attempt to show independent thought. This is unhealthy for the entire group because the rot of treason will spread through the masses, deteriorating any sense of camaraderie and single-mindedness. These blights on the herd will undermine the integrity of my mission and gnaw away at my flawless reputation.
Allowing flagrant insubordination will dismember the tenacious bonds of unity so carefully stitched together. As such, these radical death-bringers must be purged from the ranks. Remember, keeping the herd mentality unified strengthens the overall group dynamic, thus avoiding a brain drain in the organization. The body is only as strong as its weakest limb. Only through this type of unwavering focus will each member feel a part of a realm they can call their own. A realm legitimized by the fierce efforts of like-minded individuals lumbering along the fine line of their inherit duality between life and death.
Principle 6: Empathy and Pride are the Sinews of Positive Connections
Imagine enjoying a ghouls’ night out when a nose unceremoniously falls off. This is only one of the myriad examples of heart-rending moments involving dangling appendages and dripping bodily fluids. Although zombies understand beauty is only skin deep, like anyone else, they want to be accepted for who they are. Knowing this, one must withhold judgment to not sever the sinews that bind an already volatile relationship.
I empathize with my beloved followers because I am them. I am the only one who looks after their interests. I am the only one who supplies their needs. I feel their pain. I sense their frustration toward the masses who show no compunction in stripping away their due rights. I am the only one who cares. When you can show this level of commitment, only then will you have the chance to reach the heights of success that I have already surpassed.
Unlike the lame media, who propagate falsehoods about minions they know nothing about, I recognize my zombies’ true potential as citizens of a perfect world created in my image. A world of strength. A world of wealth. A world that overshadows even the greatest of empires throughout ages past.
What keeps us united is the unapologetic belief that we are never wrong when it comes to who we are and what we stand for. It is never a zombie’s fault for how they look and behave. It is their inherent right, encoded in their DNA.
I never apologize for their perceived shortcomings, and I most defiantly stand my ground in defending their natural tendencies to feed off the marrow of life. I consistently project resolve and strength, so there is no doubt as to the one who is in charge, leading, and making the decisions. As a revered supervillain, I am all-powerful, all-knowing.
Spread the PLAGUE
As we march forward strengthening relationships with our undead companions, stand tall and confident as we spread the PLAGUE:
P - Positivity
L - Language
A - Assumptions
G - Gratitude
U - Understanding
E – Empathy
Make no bones about it— maintaining a lively relationship with undead minions is not for the faint of heart. Our teams may be chomping to fulfill our desires and bend to our wills, but it takes time to build a body of blind trust and passionate loyalty. We must show through our actions that we are the brains of the operation and the heart of the organization; zombies will live for our vision and die for our mission. Maintain a healthy relationship, and we can take a bite out of life and add to our corpus of successes. As we flesh out these principles, our minions will feed off our commitment, charisma, and control.
You can read more of my stories on the Abundance Living Resource page.
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